Ex-Mariner of the Week: Luis Valbuena

Who the hell is this guy?

“I’ll take Twisted Webs for $1,000, Alex.”

“OK then… nobody ever gets this shit… well I’ll be damned, it’s a video daily double!”

“I’m all in. I’ll risk my whole fifteen grand. I love this stuff.”

“If you say so… Dumbass… He’s an ex-Mariner whose name is forever linked with J.J. ‘Thunderstruck’ PutzMike ‘All-fish-name team’ CarpJason ‘Basset Hound’ Vargas… and Franklin ‘Death to Flying Things’ Gutierrez…”

Nope. Not him.

Don Wakamat–”

“Wait, there’s more. You better just wait, Bob…

“He was traded to the Indians, purchased — then cut — by the Blue Jays, picked up by the Cubs, traded to the Astros, cut again, then signed by the Angels, where he’s batting a sickly .187 this season. Yet last night, Bob, with the Mariners up by two in the seventh inning, this man stepped up to the plate and clubbed a game-tying homer.”

“Aw geez Alex. Geez, I wasn’t watching…”

“One last clue, Bob. Just one more. That trade to Houston led to a World Series championship and this godawful, awkward, can’t-be-unseen dumpster fire on SNL:”

“Is that Dex… oh my god, Alex…”

“You have ten seconds, Bob.”

“Who is… oh god, who… Who is Munenori Kawasaki!

“Sorry Bob, the correct question is, who is Luis Valbuena?”

“Da hell? Never heard of him. But — but — that’s Dexter Fowler in the video.”

“Yeah Bob, can you believe that? The Cubs got Fowler for Valbuena. Another coup from Theo Epstein, right up there with the Vogelbach thing. But last night Luis took Casey Lawrence deep, after one hell of a start by Erasmo Ramirez. Bummer for the M’s, and bummer for you, Bob.”

“Easy come, easy go, Alex. Guess the pressure of that wild card race just got to ’em. They choked. And I choked too.”

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